Outside the bedroom, calmly, and as a shared topic rather than a confession. Sexual medicine treats premature ejaculation as a couple’s problem, and talking about what you both like usually takes a lot of pressure off.
My partner and I have talked about it often over the years. I can’t give you a script for how your first talk should go, but I can tell you why it’s worth having, what the specialists advise, and a few ways to open it.
If you’d rather show your partner something, this page is written for them.
Why it’s worth it
The International Society for Sexual Medicine (ISSM) calls premature ejaculation a couple’s problem. Men and their partners both report distress, and research on partners points to something men often miss: what bothers partners most isn’t always the duration itself. In a survey of nearly 1,500 women, the most bothersome thing was a man so focused on holding back that he neglected the rest of what she enjoyed.
Silence feeds exactly that. If your partner doesn’t know what’s going on, a quick finish or an avoided cuddle can look like a lack of interest. Talking turns it into a shared problem.
What sexual medicine advises
The ISSM’s advice is simple: talk about your sexual concerns together, so each of you understands the other’s needs. Say what you like and don’t like, and ask what your partner likes, instead of making each other guess. And if you look for help, involve your partner in the choices, since any change affects both of you.
A few ways to start
Pick a calm moment, outside the bedroom, not right after a disappointing time. Start from how you feel rather than from a technical description, something like “this has been bothering me for a while and I’d like to talk about it with you”. Make room for what your partner thinks: in my case, it bothered me more than it bothered my partner, even if she’d have liked a few more minutes. You might be surprised either way.
And keep it two-way. It’s also a chance to talk about everything else that makes sex good for both of you, beyond penetration.
Words to open with
These are only examples. Use your own words, but something along these lines makes the first sentence easier:
- “There’s something that’s been on my mind about sex, and I’d rather talk about it than keep worrying alone.”
- “I finish sooner than I’d like, and I want to work on it. I’d like to know how it is for you.”
- “When I seem to rush or pull back, it isn’t about you. It’s this, and I’d like us to talk about it.”
- “What do you enjoy most when we’re together? I’d like us to make more room for that.”
What to avoid
- Bringing it up right after a disappointing time, when you’re both on edge.
- Apologising over and over: it turns the talk into a confession rather than a conversation.
- Making it only about the stopwatch, when there’s a lot more to sex than penetration.
- Promising it will be fixed by next week.
If it’s too hard to do alone
A sex therapist can help a couple talk about it, and the most common therapy for premature ejaculation includes the partner. If it’s tangled up with other tensions in the relationship, that’s a good reason to get help rather than a reason to stay silent.
Sources
- ISSM Patient Information Sheet on Premature Ejaculation, International Society for Sexual Medicine, 2015
- Burri et al., “Female partner’s perception of premature ejaculation and its impact on relationship breakups, relationship quality, and sexual satisfaction”, Journal of Sexual Medicine, 2014, summarised in Women’s Feelings about Premature Ejaculation, Sexual Medicine Society of North America