It can strain one, and in one survey a quarter of women said it had ended a past relationship. But what hurts couples most is often the silence and the man’s focus on himself, more than the minutes.
It’s a fear a lot of men carry quietly. I’ve been with my partner for a long time, and we talked about it often, so I can only speak for one couple. Here’s what the research says beyond that.
What the research found
In 2014, researchers surveyed nearly 1,500 women in Mexico, Italy and South Korea about partners with premature ejaculation. About a quarter said it had already led to a breakup in a past relationship. Many also said they had been more satisfied in previous relationships with partners who didn’t have the problem.
The International Society for Sexual Medicine (ISSM) adds that both men with premature ejaculation and their partners report high levels of distress, more relationship problems and a lower quality of life. So yes, it can weigh on a couple.
What actually bothers partners
Here’s the part I find most useful. In that same survey, the most bothersome thing for women wasn’t the short time itself. It was a man so focused on delaying ejaculation that he ignored her other needs. About 40% did say that control over ejaculation mattered a lot for good sex, so time isn’t irrelevant. But attention mattered more.
The ISSM makes a similar point: men with premature ejaculation often focus on duration to the exclusion of everything else, and can end up being seen as selfish, when their partner may care more about closeness, touch and the rest of sex.
What protects a couple
From what the research says, the things that help are talking about it openly, keeping the rest of your sex life generous instead of rushing to penetration, and not avoiding intimacy out of fear. In my case, it bothered me more than it bothered my partner, even if she’d have liked penetration to last a few minutes longer. We talked about it often.
If it’s already creating tension, a sex therapist who sees couples can help a lot, and the ISSM recommends involving the partner in any treatment choice.
More on starting that conversation in how to talk to your partner about premature ejaculation.
Sources
- Burri et al., “Female partner’s perception of premature ejaculation and its impact on relationship breakups, relationship quality, and sexual satisfaction”, Journal of Sexual Medicine, 2014, summarised in Women’s Feelings about Premature Ejaculation, Sexual Medicine Society of North America
- ISSM Patient Information Sheet on Premature Ejaculation, International Society for Sexual Medicine, 2015